False Intimacy, Limerence, and Other Fun Stuff

I’m sure I’m not the only one who felt such an intense connection with someone I met online  that when we finally met in real life it was like 💨 POOF! 💨 “What the hell happened???”

Having it happen the first time, I didn’t give it much thought; just figured it was a fluke. The second time it happened, I figured it was coincidence. But after it happened the third time, I started paying attention; this was a pattern.

It’s easy to see how we can get drawn in by texting and talking on the phone. What we’re experiencing is limited to a screen, and it’s easy to get sucked in and feel a connection has been made, especially when the words that bounce back and forth affirm the same values and similar interests. (OMG! You like having lightsaber duels on the rooftop too?!)

Pretty soon, we may be feeling that…oh wow!…we really do have a connection, that we’re experiencing the four out of five types of intimacy. And we’re eagerly awaiting for the moment when we finally meet IRL, where we rip each other’s clothes off and catapult ourselves into the fifth type of intimacy (which needs no explanation).

This is when the doorway is cracked open to allow, for those of us with such tendencies 🙋🏼‍♀️, for limerence to strut through like the lord of all he surveys.

I will admit, I’m very prone to limerence. Not only will I have a relationship already fabricated in my squirrelly ADHD brain, I will already have picked our pet names, and what language they will be in. I will have selected “our song.” I will be going through which selfie of us as a couple to post on Facebook when I’m announcing my new relationship status. And I’ll be planning further social media posts, where I’ll be commenting, “Even after all these years you still give me butterflies.”

So yeah, I really need to be mindful not to get sucked in…

…because getting sucked in feels so damn good!

At this point, your brain cannot differentiate between an illusion, which is what limerence is, and the real, honest-to-goodness thing of actual real love. As such, the brain is pumping those feel-good endorphins. 

And dang! Do those endorphins ever feel good!

They feel so good that they make you forget you’re having a shitty day. Any monkey wrenches thrown in? Easy peasy! They’re like bullets bouncing off Wonder Woman’s bracelets!

But then…

…when the rubber hits the road…

…when both parties meet in real life…

…that’s when things get real.

In some cases, which I think may be more rare than not, people actually do experience that intoxicating love thrill that had been building up through the daily texting, phone calls, and video chats.

But in most cases, and certainly every one that I’ve experienced, the limerence illusion cannot stand up the vibe check that comes with the initial face-to-face contact. 

The illusion will deflate and then evaporate. And sometimes in a really harsh manner.

What a rude awakening that can be, especially for those of us who have highly attuned “early warning systems” that will pick up and lock in the tiniest details. Unfortunately, those early warning details don’t show up on the two-dimensional screen radar.

Basically, no matter how well someone looks good on paper, a real life face-to-face meeting is a must.

So, what does one do?

Well, I really can’t say as I’m neither a professional nor a qualified expert. But what has worked for me is knowing that I am susceptible to limerence. Knowing is half the battle. And even though I know that when the switch gets flipped, the endorphin pipeline will be shut off. 

In the meantime, I may as well enjoy that heady rush. And perhaps I can catalog that feeling and see if I can reproduce it through a different avenue, maybe perhaps through art or some other productive diversion.

Since my last foray into Limerence Land, I decided to treat each face-to-face “date zero” as either a game changer — Because who doesn’t love a game changer? — or as a valuable learning experience. Either way, it’s a win for me.

And who knows? Maybe some day that game changer may include a rooftop lightsaber dueling partner!