Leaving On a Jet Plane

4:30 AM could not have come too soon.

I had just about 4 hours of sleep, the kids even less.

Because she had not packed her carry-on bag last night, Ariana set to do it this morning. And there, on the table, I saw a slew of TSA prohibited items for carry-on luggage ~ a big-ass 6-ounce tube of toothpaste and several large bottles containing perfumes and hair products.

"You can't take that on your carry-on!"

"I didn't know."

I packed the toothpaste in the suitcase that I had Ryan load into the car's trunk yesterday ~ before it started to rain.

As for the rest of the stuff, Ryan and I said that it would be better off that I mail those items to her. After all, Ariana's suitcase was already bursting at the seams. And with the way the airline employees handle luggage, there was a good chance that even plastic bottles would have broken.

Then there was a giant, one-gallon size baggie crammed full of make-up.

"I think that it would be a goo idea if you left that here, too."

I could just see the TSAs going through all that make-up in search of incendiary devices and very sharp objects.

(The TSAs were also going to have fun rummaging through her suitcase, which was packed so much that it was practically bursting at the seams.)

Finally, with everything being all set, it was time to roll.

Before stopping to pick up Nana Carol, we decided to stop at Tedeschi's to get some coffee. However, when we got there, Teddy's was still not yet open.

So we just went across the street to Carol's condo and picked her up.

It was rainy driving. The roads were so wet that I could not see the painted lines on them. Fortunately the rain was light, and in some cases just a drizzle.

As we approached T.F. Green Airport, I suddenly remembered that the parking lot I was hoping to park in was not the one I was going to be able to park in. That parking lot was on the ground level where the arriving flights were. I needed to find a parking area for departing flights.

That parking area was a high-rise parking lot. We entered in at the 3rd level. But we had to drive up nearly 3 more levels because all the spaces were taken.

Once inside the airport, we had to find the ticket window. I made the mistake of going to the wrong window at first. I went to United Airlines, only to discover that I needed US Airways.

Oh well, they both began with "U."

At least the United ticket agent was friendly and good natured about it.

I couldn't say the same thing about the sour puss at US Airways. What a bee-yotch! God! It wouldn't have hurt to have a smile or be understanding about this being Ariana's first time flying.

There were a few new things since the last time that I've flown, nearly 2 years years ago.

Now you have to check in at the computerized kiosk before a human ticket agent will deal with you.

The check-in procedure is ridiculous.

The touch screen instructs you to press a certain key if you don't have credit card. So that's what we did. We gave it the information that it requested. And at the end of all that, you had to put in your credit card anyhow.

(We found out that for an extra $100 you could up-grade to first class. Oh! that would have been fun. But as generous as Carol has been, I didn't think it would have been appropriate to push our luck and take advantage of her generosity. First class will have to wait until next time.)

And that was another thing that I objected to. Now you have to pay a $15 fee just to check in.

Oh! The rip-offs didn't stop here.

Before, it used to be that if you had an over-weight piece of luggage ~ that is anything above the free 50 pounds that the airlines allow you ~ you had to pay $25 for bags weighing between 51 and 75 pounds.

We knew that Ariana's bag was above 50 pounds. In fact it was 63 pounds ~ just around what we thought it would be after having Ryan pick up the suitcase and stand on the bathroom scale.

So, I figured that the only extra amount we would have to pay would be $25.

Wrong!

The fee now was $50. And to add insult to injury, we had to pay that same fee twice ~ for each of the airlines that Ariana was flying on.

What a royal rip-off!

Anyhow, once Ariana got her boarding passes and her over-weight luggage issues squared away, she was on her own. We could no longer accompany her as she went to stand in the security check line.

Even though we could no longer be by Ariana's side, we could still follow her progress, through the clear Plexiglas walls, as she drew closer to the x-ray machine. I was even able to sign to her to remove her necklace, which she did.

Ariana dutifully followed the drill, taking off her shoes and putting them in the bin. And she even remembered to remove her netbook from its case and put it into a separate bin.

So far, she was golden . . .

. . . that was until her over-stuffed purse went through the x-ray machine.

From where we were standing, we could see the x-rayed contents of the people's bags. When Ariana's purse went through, the TSAs did not like what they saw on the screen.

They sent the purse through again.

Then they looked inside it. Then they grabbed a flashlight to look inside it. And then they dumped the contents into a bin and sent that through.

We could see that Ariana was getting anxious. We were getting anxious, too. Did she forget to thoroughly clean out her purse and remove potentially prohibited and contraband items? And was she going to be taken away in handcuffs?

Fortunately, the TSAs discovered the offending item and returned to Ariana her purse. We watched her head towards the gate that she needed to be at for boarding.

And after a brief pit stop, the 3 of us headed back to the garage.

Once we were driving out of the garage, Ryan called Ariana to find out what the big fuss was all about.

Apparently Ariana did have an incendiary device in her purse.

In fact, she had two.

The first one was her bullet-shaped torch lighter ~ the one she thought she lost. (Well, she did lose it. Her purse is a black hole that sucks matter in and doesn't give it up.)

The second ID was the mini Coach bag lighter that Barbara bought her. It wasn't a torch lighter, by any stretch of the imagination. But then, TSA agents aren't hired for their imagination.

While Ariana was waiting at the boarding gate, we were heading back to Massachusetts.

Carol very kindly offered to treat us to breakfast at IHOP. That was greatly appreciated, especially since we've been up for 4 hours with nary a drop of caffeine in our veins. The days was just beginning when to us it felt that it should be at least noon.

By the time we sat down and got our coffee, Ariana was already up in the air.