Peg-Leg Peg and the Tex-Mex Nightmare

While we're on the subject of dining out, I would like to share an unusual experience that my dear ol' pal Julian and I had several years ago at Luana's Mexican Hat in Pawtucket, Rhode Island.

Jules and I were in the mood for some Mexican food, and upon the recommendation of his co-worker, we decided to try Luana's Mexican Hat.

We had no idea what we were in for.

The burned-out letters on the neon sigh should have been a dead give-away. But being the hungry and intrepid diners, we forged on.

However, forging on wasn't as easy a venture as we had predicted.

First of all, we had difficulty finding the entrance. There was nothing to indicate a main entry way.

Also, it looked dark inside. We wondered if the place was even open. But like I said earlier, we were hungry and intrepid diners. We came this far. And our tummies and taste buds were all set for Mexican food.

Finally, we saw what could have been light inside. And after trying one nondescript door, we discovered the main entrance.

The entrance led to a foyer that had a bar off to the side. We saw the hostess station, but no hostess.

Finally the hostess showed up ~ a much older woman who walked slowly and with a very pronounced limp.

I whispered to Julian that the hostess must have had a peg leg. My pal begged to differ, believing instead that she had a "corn cob shoved up her ass."

Peg-Leg Peg slowly led us to a table in a darkened room and handed us ancient menus that had the old prices crossed out with new ones written in pen. Guess the owners of restaurant were too cheap to print up new menus.

It was so dark where we sat that we had trouble reading the menu. We had to hold our menus close to the candle on the table in order to be able to make out the words.

Already we were not being amused. And the fact that we had a noisy table next to us did not add to our dining enjoyment. As a sizzling dish was being brought to the table one woman shrieked out loud, "It's making noise." Great. Not only did we have noisy neighbors, we also had noisy food.

The noise and the poor lighting were not the only things that made the room uncomfortable. It was also freezing cold. I spotted a thermostat on the wall behind me, and I brazenly turned up the temperature.

Shortly afterwards, I heard a couple from another table complain about the cold in the restaurant. So I felt justified in turning up the heat.

Julian and I made our dining decisions and waited for our server, who also happened to be Peg-Leg Peg. What? The place had no wait staff that the duty had to fall on the decrepid limping hostess?

She first took our drink orders. I ordered my usual, a Margarita with Grande Marnier. They didn't have Grande Marnier. OK. Then get me a regular Margarita.

Julian ordered a Pina Colada.

"What? That's a girl's drink."

"Well, I like it, too."

Then Peg-Leg took our orders. I cannot even remember what we ordered. I think I had something with chocolate mole sauce because it was different and something that I had never tried before.

Julian and I chomped on the nachos and salsa while waiting for our food to come out. It was taking awhile, and our drinks were going down quickly.

Finally Peg-Leg came out with the food. But because of her infirmity, she could only carry out one dish at a time. Definitely not the type of service one would expect from an experienced wait person.

Julian had already finished his drink and had ordered another one. I still had about half of my drink left.

However, Julian was long in waiting for his second drink ~ so long that I had finished my drink and ordered an second one for myself. To add insult to injury,my second drink came before Julian's long-ordered drink.

All the while, I must say that despite the service, the food was OK.

Part way through our meal, I had to go to the ladies' room. I opened the door and saw that it was dark in the room. So I did what most people would do ~ feel along the wall for a light switch. But when I put my hand to the wall, I nearly jumped because I felt a very unfamiliar texture.

I was afraid that I put my hand on something gross. But when I put the light on, I discovered to my horror that the entire bathroom was covered with red shag carpeting. Not only were the walls covered in red shag carpeting, so were the bathroom stalls. I can honestly say that I had never seen anything like that except for a pimped out van in the 1980s.

In the meantime, Julian also had to go to the bathroom. I asked him what his bathroom looked like, expecting that it would be similar to that of the ladies' room.

He said that the men's room had plain black and white tiles and that it was so cold in there that he could see the"steam rising from [his] piss."

No equal opportunity bathrooms in Luana's Mexican Hat.

We ordered dessert, which was very small for the cost.

All in all, while the food was decent, it certainly did not merit the price tag. And with the abysmally poor service that we received, that was the very first time that either one of us laid down a minuscule tip. Peg-Leg Peg was lucky that she even got 5% of the bill

As we were leaving, I opened the ladies' room door and put on the light so that Julian could have a peek. He was just as shocked as I was. But at least he knew that I was not kidding when I told him what the ladies' room looked like.

When we left the place, Julian and I whipped out our cigs and broke out in hysterics.

We were so thunderstruck and bowled over by our dining experience that we had to debrief ourselves.

In thinking it over, it all adds up.

The burned out neon letters, the old menus with the crossed-out prices, the too dark and too cold dining room, and having a disabled person serve as waitress all pointed to the owners being too cheap and doing whatever they could to save ever single penny that they could.

Also, the too dark dining area hid the disrepair that would have been glaringly visible in a normal lighting situation.

It really makes me wonder. With what Julian and I experienced, how could anyone recommend a place like Luana's Mexican Hat?